Are We Doing Ok?
This week has been hard, let's take a breath together.
(NOTE: This newsletter aligns with next week’s Mental Check-In episode, but I thought it was important to share it this week. The new episode will be out on Tuesday, so be sure to turn on your notifications to be among the first to listen!)
I went to sleep thinking about Liam Payne and woke up thinking about Liam Payne.
I’ve never navigated death particularly well—I don’t think anyone does—but death really brings out the avoidant in me. When I was 17, I had a bout of terrifying existentialism that bordered on Cotard's syndrome. Cotard’s syndrome is a disturbing mental disorder where you believe you're dead or that parts of your body are missing. I truly thought I was dead, that life had no meaning. Normally, I’d dive deeper into this, but honestly, it’s too triggering to revisit.
I’m not sure how I made it to the other side, but I did. Still, I tend to ignore it, pretending that part of my life doesn’t exist. There’s a gaping hole in my timeline, a time so dark that in some ways I wasn’t really here. Liam Payne’s death, however, has reminded me of that time.
Liam was an abuser; he was a deeply unwell individual. Unfortunately, I am constantly reminded that humans are multifaceted creatures. At my worst, I have been cruel—willingly and for pleasure. I have been so deeply unwell that my selfishness knew no bounds. So now, on the other side, I try to think about that gaping hole I’m not willing to revisit. I think about everything but.
I think about all the nights I spent depressed, finding solace by switching between Lana Del Rey and One Direction. I remembered the times I penned fiction about the boys, how they took turns as my love interests, and each other's. Time and time we fell in and out of love, again and again in alternate universes. We married, we had children. We died. We grieved.
I think about the support system I met through the fandom. I think about Norah from Boston, a mutual One Directioner who talked me out of ending my life on one of those lonely nights. I think about Ben and Tyga from Australia, who to this day I message on Facebook. One Direction was so much of the comfort I needed at that time, and processing their mortality—especially in relation to mine—is difficult, especially considering the person we knew Liam would later become in his relationships. I’m still processing, and maybe you are too. Maybe you’ve grieved someone you were once too parasocially involved with, or maybe you're mourning a part of yourself you didn’t realize was gone. Maybe your week was tough for other reasons—work, family, or something else.
Whatever is on your mind, let’s be here for each other. Here are some questions to help reset and make the upcoming week a little easier.
How am I feeling today? Grief comes in waves. Sit with your feelings—are you feeling numb, angry, sad, or maybe something unexpected? All of these are valid.
What does my body need at this moment? When we’re grieving, our bodies can carry the weight of our emotions. Do you need rest, a comforting meal, or maybe a quiet moment to breathe?
Am I giving my body its basic needs? Grief can take a toll on our physical well-being. Have you eaten, hydrated, and gotten enough sleep lately? If not, how can you tend to those needs today?
What am I grateful for today? It might feel difficult to find gratitude during grief, but even small things—a hug from a friend, a good memory—can offer some light.
What’s been worrying me? Acknowledge your worries without judgment. What’s been on your mind lately that you might need to release or share with someone?
What accomplishments can I celebrate today? Maybe it’s getting out of bed, reaching out for support, or simply taking a breath. Honor the small wins, because they matter.
What am I doing to bring myself comfort? Are you allowing yourself time to grieve and finding moments of peace, whether through journaling, speaking with a loved one, or taking a quiet walk?
Is there anything I am currently not doing that would help with my grief? Reflect on any steps—seeking therapy, leaning into your support system, or simply taking it easy—that could help ease your emotional load.
Who do I have in my corner? Grief can feel isolating, but you’re not alone. Who are the people you can turn to for comfort or to share your feelings with?
What is my intuition telling me? Trust your inner voice. What emotions or thoughts are coming up that you need to sit with or process?
🌱 Self-Care Corner: Nourish Your Heart
Here are some gentle self-care ideas to help ease your grief and offer comfort:
Nature Therapy: Being in nature can be incredibly healing. Sit by a tree, take a slow walk, or listen to the sounds around you. Let the earth hold some of your pain.
Journaling Through Grief: Write down your thoughts, memories, or anything you wish you could have said. Letting it out on paper can help release some of what you’re holding inside.
Music Therapy: Sometimes, words aren’t enough. Put on some calming or meaningful music and allow it to move through you—whether that means crying, singing, or just being still.
Mindful Moment: Close your eyes, place your hand on your heart, and take a few deep breaths. Be present with how you’re feeling in this moment, without judgment. Let your body release a bit of the tension.
💬 Let’s Talk: Share Your Thoughts!
Grief can feel overwhelming, but sometimes sharing even a little can help ease the burden. How are you feeling this week? What’s been on your mind? Hit reply to this email and let’s have a conversation. Sometimes, the first step toward healing is simply letting someone in.
I hope this was helpful, as always I love you.
-Vine